You are the reason my sun feels so warm yet so insanely noxious. Its rays are a blessing on my mind and damnation on my bleeding heart. I fell in love and bruised myself because you couldn’t find it in you to catch me. Now it hurts everywhere; ribs, skull, kneecaps. My whole being is ruptured with your silent rejection. Why did it have to be you? Why does my heart pulsate for a person whose heart’s rhythm will never match mine?
Like the poets who yearned for the opportunity to let the exact words they thought flow out, I do too. But I am scared that my raw words will pierce you away and make me regret us. Someday all I want to do is hate you. But how can one detest their own heart? So I end up hating the people you talk to, the new friends you make. I have started to loathe the very people that meant the world to me. That’s prejudiced, I know. But can’t you see I am too afraid of becoming a shadow in your life?
Perhaps it started with your words or maybe it was your voice; a perfect balance of rough and smooth. Perhaps it was the unintentional crossing off the line, the compliments you threw my way, that rendered me breathless. Or perhaps I gave my heart away simply because it felt too heavy being housed in my ribs. And look at what you did. Returned it colored in all your favorite things. Tell me, what must I do with a thing that feels so foreign?
I have realized that I love a little too soon, a little too much, and a little too deep. It is not entirely my fault, for they have lied to me. I was told loving someone with the intensity that I love you would be euphoric, blissful, and happy. And it was in the beginning. When you were someone who was never tired of my hour-long rants, someone who never shied away from showing me they cared, someone who couldn’t stand a tear in my eye and did everything in their power to make me feel ok again. But alas, you have turned into the reason behind my sleepless nights, tear-soaked pillows, a heart that won’t stop bleeding, and a mind that won’t rest.